Everyone is Struggling, Including Your Coworkers

A story of struggling with loss and starting a new job + lessons learned on how to be more empathetic

 

RIP Spencer Murdoch

I had just started a new job. This always involves a steep learning curve, self-imposed pressure and expectations, extracurricular work such as signing up for benefits, and new relationships to manage. However, in my second week at my new company, I was hit with something much more difficult: I heard the devastating news that my close friend Spencer Murdoch had passed away.

A little bit about Spencer: He is my wife’s cousin and we just always clicked. We shared a love for discussing deep talks and (paradoxically) watching Fast & the Furious. He lived in my family’s spare bedroom for two years during COVID, which meant Spencer became part of our family. Game nights most nights, family trips, you name it. Then one night he was killed in a car crash. Just gone.

This article isn’t about Spencer, although he deserves an article, book, and a documentary, but to say it was hard to lose him is an understatement. Despite the huge loss in my life, it felt weird to bring it up at work… if someone asked how my weekend was, I felt like a buzzkill to discuss my loss. Plus in a senior role usually it’s you who is supposed to be helping others, not the other way around.  It felt uncomfortable to let others know what I was going through.

However, this article is not written for those who have dealt with loss, a personal struggle, family crisis, health issues, or other problems, but rather for those WHO WORK with people who are going through those struggles. Which, last time we checked, is everyone.

4 Ways People Struggle & How to React at Work

Having worked professionally for 15+ years, paired with being an adjunct professor with lots of students, has exposed me to some of the more common struggles people deal with on a regular basis. Here’s an unofficial ranking from most serious to least:

1. Relationships – All types! Extended family, spouse, children, friends, etc. For example, I have had both students and coworkers miss class/work, not because they were sick, but because they were having to deal with divorce and all the terrible emotions, legal proceedings, and time that it takes. That is an extremely uncomfortable thing to talk to your boss or professor about. While the workplace is not the place to be talking to others about your relationship with your spouse, just be aware enough to know that nearly everyone will have ups and downs in their marriages. Talking about how awesome your relationships are, a recent couples trip, etc. could completely unintentionally spark discomfort in a coworker who wishes with all their heart their relationship was as healthy/happy as yours. The same goes with extending family, children, and even friends.
2. Mental and Physical Health – Nearly everyone struggles with mental or physical health issues. With mental health issues I try to assume that people are always struggling with anxiety, depression, or something else, which in action looks like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Physical health is usually more obvious / talked about, but just remember you don’t know if your coworkers are going through chemo, a new strict diet, physical therapy, etc. For example, you would want to tread lightly on topics like Ozempic (the latest in weight loss with regular shots), as you don’t know who around you is getting it. If you’re aware of a recent surgery, for example, you can support by sending them an encouraging text.

3. Money – This sounds counterintuitive (as you are at work to make money), but nearly everyone struggles with money at some point in their lives. Early in my career I was at work and was going to run home to get lunch and my car battery died. I didn’t really have the money to buy a new battery. As a young professional trying to make ends meet, it was one of those things that really threw a wrench into my day. One of my company’s owners, John, helped jumpstart my car and gave me his credit card to buy a new battery. It was incredibly kind and generous. Be like John. You don’t need to be giving out car batteries, but be sensitive to inviting people out to lunch (if you’re not sure they can afford it), talking about a recent purchase you made, etc. As always, look for opportunities to help people you’re close to.
4. Loss / Grief – Just like how I was struggling recently with the passing of Spencer, your coworkers will have people (and pets) pass away. Be incredibly sensitive here. At a prior company, when one of the executive’s fathers passed away, the rest of the executive team went to his funeral. When a coworker had a dog pass away, we all got her a card. Most of the time you likely won’t know if there was a loss (like with Spencer), so just be particularly careful talking about death or controversial topics related to death (e.g., cancer, suicide, etc.).

How to Build Empathy

If you are a manager, one of the best things you can do in a 1:1 or personal interaction is to ask your team members how THEY are doing. As a person. Not as an employee. Not as a member of the company. Just them.

This leads to really rich conversations and ultimately builds trust and empathy. If you start every conversation building/reinforcing trust, everything else work-related gets easier. Most interactions at work should be work-related, that’s why during 1:1’s you can at least start with building the relationship.

Besides just asking in a 1:1, there are so many other ways to build empathy. We have found the following to be helpful:

• Team offsites with team building activities (ex: build the tallest building out of a mix of objects)
• Fun Slack conversations/polls (ex: where is your favorite place in the world?)
• Team dinners/activities (ex: do a cake decorating class together)
• Make work travel fun (ex: have each person plan an activity on a work trip)

These types of activities help you relate person-to-person rather than just in a workplace scenario. It takes deliberate planning, but is worth it!

Building Relationships

Research has shown that compensation/pay is (shockingly) the lowest factor in employee satisfaction, with the highest attributes being related to growth, culture/values, and relationships with coworkers. Thinking about every job we have had, what we remember most are the people, followed by the moments we experienced with those coworkers (like surprising my boss with a pinata for his birthday).

If you take time to build relationships with coworkers, you can be the person they feel comfortable sharing struggles with.

We should state this clearly: At work you should be working 90% of the time. That other 10% should be well-spent building relationships, which will actually improve your 90% of work time. This should happen naturally (ex: water cooler talk, grabbing lunch with coworkers, etc.) and in some planned scenarios (ex: 1:1’s, team offsites, etc.). If you’re only about building relationships and not working you’ve missed the point!

But if you’re on the opposite spectrum and only work, have few work friends, or don’t feel like you connect well with coworkers, you should re-evaluate how you’re spending your time or if you’re in the right workplace environment for you.

Conclusion

Everyone wants to be seen. To be known. Nobody wants to be lonely, even at work. You could be the difference in someone’s life as they struggle. The good news for all of us who feel worried that we can actually do this is that it is usually just the small things, the small everyday deeds by ordinary people, that make the world a brighter place. Even in somewhere as mundane and ordinary as the office.