A quick story about how the best business leadership principle I ever received came from a religious leader in Africa…
I was recently chatting with an aspiring college student who asked me “what is the best piece of leadership advice you’ve ever received?”.
It was a question that made me stop and think for a moment. I’ve received so much advice over my 15 year career that at first it was hard to think of what I’d truly consider the most important. But there was one story that sticks out: A conversation with a religious leader in Africa that has shaped not only how I approach leadership in my career, but also in my personal life.
I was initially a little hesitant to write about this in an article format, but feel the concept is important enough (and seldom talked about) which makes it the perfect sort of “unwritten business advice” that Jason and I started this newsletter to cover
The Question that Changed My Life…
15 years ago I was serving as a volunteer missionary for my church in the middle of Ghana, West Africa. I was 20 years old at the time, and extremely inexperienced at pretty much everything. I had just been asked to take on a small leadership assignment within the missionary ranks (overseeing ~25 other young missionaries) and was learning firsthand how little I knew about leading others.
As missionaries, we would occasionally get visits from senior leaders in our church who would train us on a variety of topics. One Saturday I got a call from the head of our missionary program in Ghana, who asked if I would be willing to meet with Elder Craig A. Cardon (who was currently one of the ~100 most senior leaders in a church of 15+ Million members). He was visiting the area and wanted to meet with some of the young volunteer missionaries (like myself) to get an understanding of how things were working in our mission. I had just been randomly selected to meet with him for 15 minutes to give my perspective on how our organization was functioning.
When I met Elder Cardon the next day, we spent ~10 minutes talking about my experience as a missionary, how I felt the local leadership and people were doing, and some ideas I had about improving the experience for the other young volunteers.
As we were wrapping up the conversation, Elder Cardon glanced at his watch and then looked at me and said “It looks like we finished a little early, but I still have 5 minutes left to chat. Are there any questions you’d like to ask me?”
I thought hard for a second. Here was my chance to ask a question to someone who literally helped lead a complex organization overseeing millions of people (and had been a successful entrepreneur before becoming a full-time religious leader). After a few moments of silence I looked at him and asked something that just sprouted to my mind:
“What is the one thing about leadership that you wish you had known when you were in your early 20’s, but no one ever told you?”
Elder Cardon looked at me for a moment and then sat back in his chair, deep in thought. Then he leaned forward and said, “I have an answer and story I want to share with you first…”
“Do You Know I Love You?” (Elder Cardon’s Story)
“A few years ago I was asked to visit with 2 junior church leaders in a country far away, who had gotten into an argument. Apparently the situation was bad enough that they would no longer speak with one another. This was a problem because it was seriously harming the ability of the church to serve the local congregations in the area.
After arriving I met with both men and got their sides of the story. the details with a few others I quickly came to understand that one of the leaders (“Mr. Quentin”) was clearly at fault. I decided to talk to him and see if I could get him to apologize and make amends.
While we were talking, Mr. Quentin started to become quite irritated and upset. He was angry and felt misunderstood. When I had gotten him to calm down, I looked at him directly and said “Mr. Quentin, do you know that I love you?”
The question startled him. He looked at me and then said somewhat flippantly, “Elder Cardon, I know you “love” everyone in the church, but you don’t really know me.”
At that point I stopped the meeting and asked if the two of us could take a walk.
As we walked and talked I told Mr. Quentin how much I had come to admire and respect him over the past few days and how much I had learned about his love for his family and community. He was beloved as a leader and it was clear that he cared for those in the congregation he served. We talked for over 2 hours about our families, our jobs, and our hobbies.
At the end of the 2 hour long conversation I looked at him again and said “Mr. Quentin, I asked you a few hours ago if you knew that I loved you. You gave me a simple answer, but I’m not asking a simple question. Do you know that I love you?”
With tears welling in his eyes, Mr. Quentin looked at me and said “Yes Elder Cardon, I do know that you love me.”
I embraced him and told him again how much I cared. Then pulling back I looked at him squarely in the eyes and said “Mr. Quentin, I do love you. And because I love you I need to tell you something important…. If you don’t apologize to the other leader and fix [XYZ issues] then you’re going to damn yourself straight to hell.”
At that moment, I saw years of bitterness and frustration completely melt away from Mr. Quentin’s face. He immediately went to the other junior leader with whom he’d been quarrelling and asked for his forgiveness. Peace was restored, and things were immediately set right again.”
What Loving Others Unlocks in Leadership…
After finishing this story, Elder Cardon looked at me, and said:
“The reason I’m sharing this story with you is because the greatest piece of advice that no one ever told me about leadership was this: You can threaten, beg, exhort, preach to, command, and inspire people till you are blue in the face. But those things will never have as much impact compared to the power of someone you lead knowing that you truly, genuinely love them. That you place their interests above your own.
If they know that, they will do anything for you. And most importantly you can say anything you need to them (even the hard things). And people will accept it because they will know it is coming from a friend and not from an enemy”
Over the past years I’ve thought often about that conversation. It has completely changed the way I lead teams. “Love” is not a term that we usually talk about in the professional world, but I have come to firmly believe that when our teams know that we care about them and put their well-being first and foremost, they will run through brick walls for you.
One misunderstanding is that loving your team members equates to being “soft”. This isn’t the case at all. When you have truly earned someone’s trust, you can have the hard conversations (ex: performance issues, critical feedback, etc.) that all great leaders need to have regularly. But what’s different is that when your team knows that you love them, they will not only accept the feedback, but will actually seek to implement it. People change for those whose respect they want to deserve.
It’s key to note that loving those you lead isn’t just a more effective means to providing needed critical feedback. Often people just need to be heard. Often they will reach their own conclusions and just need support. Not every conversation needs to end with you providing counsel or direction. It’s simply about building trust with them. As my grandfather says “People are like bank accounts. You need to make far more deposits than withdrawals”. Love first and everything else will work its way out.
Conclusion
Perhaps most importantly, I believe that this method is a happier way to lead and live.
I’ve worked in organizations where the primary leadership style was “command and control” (ex: do what I say because that’s the hierarchy). The worst form of this is leadership by fear (ex: do what I say or else…). Those may get short term results, but ultimately leads to low team morale and employee churn.
Contrast this with teams that operate based on mutual trust, respect, and love, and you will find they are far more enduring. If you are struggling to identify how you can help your team know you love them, perhaps start by expressing gratitude more often. It’s a small thing, but there is great power in small deeds.
As author John C. Maxwell once said “You can love people without leading them, but you cannot lead people without loving them.”
